Married Life

hej all and sundry. Parky and I have been married for 2 years and 1 day as of this morning. And they said it would never last! Actually nobody said that (at least to our faces) but it sounds more dramatic to say “And they said it would never last!” we are in love more than ever. I mean that in all sincerity. We nearly killed each other in our first year of marriage. With Parky’s study, and living in a strange country, my making such little money (even though I loved my job, TSW guys) and all of the other hassles I’m surprised we got married at all let alone lived through the first year. Second year, moving back to Corea starting a new job in a new city had it’s ‘special’ moments, but life was great, working together was great, living by the beach was great, Gangneung was just superb, second year of marriage was pretty good by my slide rule. Now we are entering the third year, in our third city, in our second country and life has never been better. It reminds me of sage words of advice, given to us be our good mate Stacey. More a realistic appraisal of life as we know it. She stated that even though her and Steven had been dating more than 5 years before they were married, their first year of marriage was hell. (Parky and I were dating for 2 years before marriage). She further stated that everybody she knew, regardless of how long they had known each other had had a rough first married year. The only way around it apparently was to get married as soon as you meet and then your rough year might be postponed for a year or two. These were welcome words that immediately struck a chord with us, as we had been going in leaps and bounds from our first anniversary onwards (after having not killed each other after all within the first year). They were welcome and comforting, and amongst other things like the fact that Parky and I loved Steve and Stacey from day dot, brought us very close together.
I have now had a chance to relay those exact words to a mate of mine who has been married exactly 5 weeks, saying that his wife was going mad at the slightest provocation, threatening to throw him out on his arse, he was resisting temptation to replace her chocolate biscuits with hash cookies just to make her mellow out somewhat, all the while admitting that he was not entirely blameless for the current circumstances, but just couldn’t help himself but to be a bit of an arse sometimes. “we loved each other 5 weeks ago”
I can’t forget the look of passivity overcome his face when we related our story to him. It was exactly the same look that we must have had on ours when Stacey was relating her story to us. He was so relieved to realise that he wasn’t the first person to have a major crisis in his first year, or month even, of marriage I didn’t know if he was going to cry or kiss me. I felt the same one year ago, so did Parky, and I reckon if I asked around I would find a lot of people who didn’t disagree.
(If a certain person is reading, who was married 364 days after us, and runs a gleeb titled “Being Korean” @ www.calmlyhungover.blogspot.com please opine away, as you have been married 2 days longer than your paper anniversary and may be in a position to comment).
Okay, now I’m going to talk about stereotypes and your first year of marriage should be the most romantic, most sexual, most exciting year, when you learn about each other and encounter each other in ways previously unimaginable. That might have been true 30 years ago when people married within months (or even weeks) of knowing each other. (not my parents though, they dated 5 years before marriage IN THE 60’S. five long wonderful years. I’ll leave it to them as to whether they post a comment and tell about their first year or so of marriage.) But it’s not true today. Marriage is wonderful, amazing, it’s a whole new world of whiz-bang. In essence it has a completely different feel about it to anything else I have ever experienced in life. But in today’s world it (the first year of marriage) isn’t what you are told it is going to be. It doesn’t carry the same connotation for people who have lived together for years as it did for people who moved out of their parent’s homes and into married life. It is a pain in the arse (somewhat). It interrupts an otherwise stable life of co-habitation. It puts pressure on both of you, and your families, to conform to the “first year of marriage” bullshit. It costs you (and your parents) an awful lot of money, time and stress. It makes you feel as if, after being really very, very happy for the preceding period, you should now feel some kind of fake ecstasy in order to conform to what is expected of you in your “first year of marriage” phase.
I love being married. I would do the first year again and again and again to have what I have now. But after it having been passed to me, and the relief I felt, and having passed it forward, and seeing the relief it brought, I have decided that it is time to get it out there. The wedding, the ceremony, the crying, the kisses, the presents, they are wonderful! But if you have lived together for a while and you decide to marry, just understand that in this day and age it will put you in debt, it will put expectations of conformity on you, it imposes on your time and your sanity. In the long run it may change what you feel for each other, but I doubt it somehow. I am sure that I would love Parky as much today whether we were married or not.
After all of this ranting and raving, I encourage marriage if you feel it is right for you. It gives me a sense of fulfilment everyday to wake up everyday and ask my WIFE what she would like for breakfast. I get the same from her coming home at night and greeting my WIFE at the door with something I have cooked on the table. Personally I wouldn’t change a thing, I would do it over and over again with my beautiful wife of 2 years and 1 day. I am more in love today than I was even yesterday or the day before.
But know what is coming, know what you are in for, and know that which is coming is expected of you by all around you, except Parky and I, Stacey and Steve, and with some luck the couple we have shared our experience with. Know that the pressure of the ‘first year of marriage’ is only there if you choose to take it on board. Know also that it is all worth it, but be prepared, if the ceremony and the ensuing debt and the societal pressure and the pressure you place upon each other and the pressure you place upon yourselves becomes a little too much, STICK WITH IT! It’s an enormous deal! The after effects hang on for a while!
I would not change anything given the opportunity, neither would Steve and Stacey, and with a little patience, neither will our mates, given time.
I dedicate this blog to my wife. I dedicate it to her fun nature, to her forgiving nature, to her hard working nature, her compassionate nature, to her love of life, to the love I feel from her everyday, to the love I feel for her everyday, (and to her boobies, ha ha).
My wife gave me a cocktail cooler for our 2nd anniversary, to remind me of tudari in gangneung. I gave her a haircut (i.e. had a haircut for her), to remind her how much i love her. (and how much i hate having my hair cut)